The Untold Realities of Motherhood: Social Expectations, Neurodivergence, and the Struggle for Support

Motherhood is often painted as the pinnacle of womanhood, an inevitable milestone that society expects women to embrace. From a young age, girls are socialized with the idea that having children is not only normal but necessary to live a fulfilling life. Yet, for many women, particularly those who are late-diagnosed ADHD and Autistic, this journey can be far more complex, isolating, and overwhelming than they were ever prepared for.

There’s an unspoken truth about parenthood: people often don’t discuss the pitfalls. They don’t tell you about the sensory demands, the mental health struggles, or the isolation that can come with raising children. And for some women, even those who deeply love their children, there’s a quiet, lingering thought: “If I had truly known what this would be like, would I have made a different choice?”

This blog explores the societal pressures to have children, the unique challenges faced by late-diagnosed ADHDers and Autistic women (whether diagnosed or not), and the lack of community support that generally leaves many new mothers feeling isolated. Most importantly, it validates these experiences and reminds us that struggling with motherhood doesn’t make anyone a bad parent.

The Socialization of Women: Motherhood as an Expectation

From childhood, many women are taught that motherhood is their ultimate destiny. Baby dolls, kitchen playsets, and phrases like “when you have kids someday” subtly reinforce the idea that having children is a given, not a choice.

This societal narrative often leaves little room for women to question whether parenthood aligns with their individual needs, values, or capacities. And when women do express hesitation or choose not to have children, they’re often met with judgment, dismissal, or outright disbelief.

What’s rarely acknowledged is that the decision to have children is monumental. It’s not just about love or joy; it’s about the physical, emotional, and mental toll that parenthood takes. Yet, these realities are often glossed over, and women are left to discover them only after they’ve already become parents.

The Untold Truths of Parenthood

1. The Sensory and Emotional Demands

Parenthood is inherently sensory-heavy: the cries, the constant touching, the mess, and the chaos. For late-diagnosed ADHDers and Autistic women, these sensory demands can be overwhelming. Without understanding why certain aspects of parenting feel unbearable, many neurodivergent mothers blame themselves, thinking they’re “bad” parents for struggling.

What’s Happening: ADHDers and Autistic women often have heightened sensory sensitivities. Constant noise, lack of alone time, and unpredictability of raising children can push them far outside their window of tolerance.

The Impact: This can lead to burnout, meltdowns, or feelings of inadequacy, especially when these struggles aren’t openly discussed or validated, even if the person is unaware of why this is happening, as unaware they might be ADHD or Autistic.

2. Hormonal Transitions and Mental Health

Hormonal shifts during pregnancy, postpartum, and beyond can have a profound impact on mental health. For ADHD and Autistic women, these transitions can exacerbate existing challenges, such as emotional regulation, executive dysfunction, and mood swings.

What’s Happening: Cyclical hormones, combined with lower dopamine levels common in ADHDers, can lead to fatigue, mood swings, and increased anxiety. The postpartum period, with its rapid hormonal changes, can be especially destabilizing.

The Impact: Many neurodivergent mothers experience postpartum depression or anxiety without understanding the role their neurodivergence plays in these struggles.

3. Isolation and Lack of Support

In the past, parenting was often a communal effort, with women in the community or extended families living nearby to share the load. Today, individualism and the breakdown of community structures mean that many new mothers are raising children more in isolation.

What’s Happening: Without nearby family or community support, mothers are left to manage the demands of parenthood primarily on their own. For neurodivergent mothers, this isolation can amplify feelings of overwhelm and inadequacy.

The Impact: The lack of a support network is a significant factor contributing to postpartum depression and anxiety. It is not a coincidence that these rates have steadily increased over time.

The Unspoken Question: Would I Have Chosen Differently?

For some women, the realities of motherhood are so different from what they imagined that they quietly wonder: “If I had truly known, would I have made this choice?”

This doesn’t mean they don’t love their children, and it doesn’t make them bad mothers. It reflects society's immense pressure on women to become mothers without providing the complete picture of what that entails.

For late-diagnosed ADHDers and Autistic women, this question is often tied to the lack of understanding about their own needs before becoming parents. Without knowing they were neurodivergent, they couldn’t have anticipated how sensory demands, executive dysfunction, or hormonal shifts would impact their experience of parenthood.

Strategies for Navigating Parenthood as a Neurodivergent Mother

1. Validate Your Experience

- Acknowledge that your struggles are valid and not a reflection of your worth as a parent.

- Remind yourself that it’s okay to find parenthood hard and that this doesn’t mean you don’t love your children.

2. Build a Support Network

- Seek out communities of neurodivergent parents who understand your experiences.

- Don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends, family, or professionals (depending on what you have available).

3. Prioritize Sensory Regulation

- Create sensory-friendly spaces in your home where you can retreat when overwhelmed. Even a few minutes here and there can make a difference.

- Use tools like noise-lessening earplugs (you can still hear your child, but it lessens background noise) or weighted

blankets to help manage sensory input.

4. Advocate for Your Needs

- If hormonal changes are impacting your mental health, speak with a healthcare provider who understands the intersection of neurodivergence and hormones.

- Be honest about your needs with your partner, family, or support system.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

- Recognize that you are navigating an incredibly challenging role in a world that wasn’t designed to support you.

- Celebrate small wins and remind yourself that you’re doing your best.

A New Narrative for Motherhood

Motherhood is not one-size-fits-all. For many, it’s a source of joy and fulfillment; for others, it’s a journey filled with unexpected challenges and complexities. And for many, it’s both.

By acknowledging the untold realities of parenthood, validating the experiences of ADHD and Autistic mothers, and advocating for systemic change, we can create a world where women feel empowered to make informed choices about their lives and bodies.

At Prismatic Compassion, we support you in navigating the challenges of motherhood, being late-diagnosed ADHD and Autistic, and mental health challenges with compassion and care.

🌐 Visit us at www.prismaticcompassion.com

📧 Contact us at info.prismaticcompassion@gmail.com